Journey through new Interests and Accidental Addictions

On a hot July morning I found myself angrily stomping up the stairs of our 100 year old house to pull my boys out of their mamaw's room. They always love sneaking up there to watch extra television and rummage through her junk food stockpile. As I picked up my plump one year old and began removing the energetic one with my words, I was drawn to the television myself. A man sat in a court room with orange hair, and the weirdest expressions on his face.

My mom told me that he was the man who killed many at the theater in Colorado: James Holmes.

I barley heard those words as I was taken back by his face. After being so sickened by the sadness portrayed in the scene, I gathered the boys and we headed downstairs.

I began straightening our always messy home, when I noticed my husband walked in the door. I began telling him that I thought James Holmes was demon-possessed or incredibly ill. He didn't know who James Holmes was. I explained that, then went on to tell him the rest. Then it hit me. Could this be a set up? Are there already arising conspiracy theories? They said he was on drugs...why? Then I began to Google, with little luck.

The ideas stirred inside of my mind-pot for days. I experienced many emotions. I envisioned the terror on the poor souls in the theater. I prayed for the victims and James constantly, knowing that if he did do this...he deserved forgiveness, just as I have been forgiven.

I found out information on the suposed murder though. Evidence that pointed to everything but a killer. However, as a sinner...I know people change. I have seen myself turn angry on my children so quickly...even with the Lord in my heart. Still, something didn't seem right.

On a Saturday...I decided to completely neglect my family (neglecting:not good) to do some YouTube searching. I found videos made by someone who was very much on top of the case. This man had found evidence that the media hadn't talked about. Things that pointed to more than one shooter. Crazy unexplainable evidence. I watched videos for a few hours, and this case began to be all I could think about.

From that point onward, months later, I still found that all I could think about was the James Holmes case. I felt sorrow for this possible innocent man, I felt anger toward whomever may have set him up. I felt confused and scared. I was beginning to get sick from my heavy consumption and crazy mind. I was distant from the Lord, and needed a break.

So I took a break. I evaluated why I cared. I prayed for hours, and wrote out reflections.

I came up with why I was in shock mode:

I'm known to make little g gods like any other human being. Normally those little g gods are surrounded around homemaking, mothering, being a wife, healthy food, music...whatever. Not this. Not the "news". I was so confused and baffled at why I was interested.

I realize that I care because I have a longing for justice in my heart. The Lord has planted it there. Now I know that whoever may be behind this case (as I still believe the story we are being told is not right), deserves forgiveness too. That even if we don't bring justice to this case, the Lord is in control, and I'm just a pawn. Satan is the ultimate enemy and he desires for total corruption. So I will not condemn the wrongdoers, I have no right to. Sin sickens me, so I don't want to give in to it. However, I believe that there is evidence in this case that needs to be looked into, and everyone deserves to see it.

I realized that I also care because I care about people. I do not worry about my future because I'm secure in the Lord regardless, but I know that the people of our government are sinful too. So corruption is possible, and existant.

After my break I realized that I could pursue this interest without making it a god with the Lord's help alone. I'm feeling healthier now. Only by God's grace. But I felt the need to share this journey with others. I'm still reading lots on this case...because I care. I care about those who are weak and cannot defend themselves.

I'm desiring to take action steps here. So people can know what is going on. I realize the media isn't giving too much time to this case anymore, and I think that makes us care less. Heck, I don't really know what else is going on in the news. God has laid this specific case on my heart. So I will be posting videos on facebook here and there, ones that I find to be incredibly valuable to the case. I want those of you who care to know, to know.

Please pray for me. Pray that I have wise discernment in this, and that I do not let it become a god. Pray that I divide my time well, and that the Lord would just continue to pursue me and I would rest in Him.

Journaled Thoughts Published After a Long Absence

I've let go of this blog a bit. The last post was of my youngest son's birth, which was over a year ago. Life stays so busy, and it's hard to find the time to blog my thoughts and experiences. But sometimes I feel the need to update, especially if there is a lot weighing on my heart.

These last few weeks have been difficult for me. It actually all started when I saw this character, James Holmes, in court. I was rounding up my children from my moms room, where they were (as usual if we don't intervene) glued to the television.

I looked at what was on as I scooped Titus up to carry downstairs. This man, with bright orange hair, and as pasty as a corpse, staring into nothing...expressionless, unless he was making a face that looked surprised. Something didn't feel right in my soul as I looked at this man. I have experience with being around mentally altered individuals. Many of which I interact with on a weekly basis. I also know when someone looks drugged, as my past is laced with some of those scenarios. Something wasn't right here.

And as my paranoid mind wandered, I began googling "James Holmes conspiracy theories". There weren't many at the time. There are a few now. After reading more and more, over the weekspan or so, I have learned that not much has really lined up. No one is probably paying attention to these things, mainly because we are all worried about a fast food chain and their beliefs. But there is a lot of fishy business going on with this case, and the situation in general.

I'm not going to talk about that much more, as you can draw your own conclusions, and I don't want to influence many on this matter. My conclusion is that our government is sinful, like all of humanity...and because of this, there is much corruption. Corruption we don't see, and corruption that will never be completely healed...until the Lord returns.

As I spent so much time wondering about this stuff...I questioned why God led me to these things. Why did I care? Why do I think this way, and another fully saved, Holy Spirited filled Christian, may not? The Lord makes us passionate about all kinds of different disputable matters...and we don't have to agree on all things.

The Lord has been good in showing me Himself in all of this study. I have come to realize how much I love Him. Our government is man. It can, will, and has failed us...because it is flawed. But God, Father God, will not kill me so he can have more power, so He can have more money. He loves me...He is not failing me. He offered me the only salvation that I can not achieve on my own. He is in control. I'm so encouraged in realizing that He is the only entity that will not fail me. He rules the world...and He lives in me.

Titus Samuel Russell

Titus Samuel Russell

Born at home:July 13, 2011

2:36 p.m.

Weighing 10 lbs 1 ounce, and 22 inches long

Birth Team: Juliet Dietsch(midwife) Aundria Radmacher(assistant midwife) Maya Hawthorn (assistant in the making) and Corey Russell (loving supportive husband)

Written addressed to my second beautiful son.

Our second son, so loving and handsome. Finding out God had gifted us with another boy was such a pleasant surprise! I looked up at your dad moments after you entered the world, only to hear him say "Hi Titus." Tears came to my eyes as a joyfully asked, "It's a boy?!" We were so excited in waiting to find out your gender!

I was in labor with you for weeks before your arrival. Everyday for about a month I would have intense sporadic contractions, or weak regular contractions. We thought you were never going to come. But God taught us to be patient, and you did. Come to find out, all of those contractions were slowly preparing my body for you to arrive. I was 5cm dilated the afternoon before you arrived, the midwife had checked me, and stripped my membranes that day. You were a week overdue. She assured us that if you were ready to come,stripping the membranes would cause you to arrive 24 to 48 hours after, and if not...we would wait another week.

An hour after leaving our appointment I found myself feeling more intense contractions, but I was so busy with your brother I didn't pay much attention to them. "Could this be it?" I wondered in excitement, but still did the usual routine. I made dinner, waited for daddy to come home, cleaned up, and settled down to snuggle with daddy and Isaiah for the night. I went to bed late that night, ignoring the advice of one of the midwives.

At about 3:00 a.m. I woke with some pretty intense contractions, and decided to take a bath. I remember seeing a daddy long leg in the tub that morning...and being really aggravated with it. I ran the water, and sat there for only a couple of minutes...then rushed into our bedroom with pain that made me vocalize. Daddy called Grammy and Pepaw to come and get Isaiah, and called the midwife...who could hear me in the background, and used that as her cue to come.

I sat on the floor for a while, as your daddy tried to soothe me with a rice sock on my back. As soon as I felt the back pain, I knew I was going to have tons of back labor. You were turned in a weird position that caused more back labor to mommy. But no worries, God pushed us through.

The midwives arrived around 5:00 a.m. I was already hitting transition at this point, which is the hardest part of labor. They made themselves as home, as mommy and daddy slow danced in our dark bedroom. We were both so excited that you'd soon be here. And both praying that you would come quickly.

The midwives had suggested that we move to the bathtub because of my back labor. I went with much excitement, and spent most the time there. I relaxed, prayed, and focused. Daddy brought me snacks, rubbed my head, and gave lots of kisses...but mostly just sat beside me quietly, as I was off in labor land, praying and meditating.

I often had to lay on my right side because you were coming down into the birth canal with your head turned in an odd position. But we worked together with God, and your head turned correctly!

The midwives checked me at about 11:00 a.m., and I was almost 10cm dilated, which meant things were really progressing. Soon after my water broke and a little after that the pushing began.

I pushed you standing for a while, which was exhausting. I felt an adrenaline rush come over my body as I pushed down. The strength of God alone helped me endure this. We moved to the toilet, where you were almost completely pushed out! But we didn't want you to be born into the toilet, so mommy squatted right in front, and with a few more pushes, you were out! It took 45 minutes all in all, because you were a BIG BOY.

I was so excited to pull you to my chest as soon as you were born. Such joy filled my soul as I looked at you, and your alien head. The aftermath was amazing. Your daddy was the first to discover your gender, and we were so excited and thankful to welcome you into our family!

We named you Titus, which means "of the giants" perfectly fitting because of your size...but also in hopes of you one day having giant faith. We are so happy to dedicate your soul to the Lord, and to raise you along with your brother in the midst of his grace.

I Had Ashes Put on My Forehead Today!

Chelsea and I were woken this morning at 6:17 am. Isaiah was standing in his crib holding on to the rails, bouncing up and down singing songs to our King. It was beautiful. He woke us up just in time to get ready for a gathering known as Ash Wednesday. I'm glad he did because it was a very profound experience. Chelsea, Isaiah, and I gathered with about 300 other people at Sojourn to take part in this event. Ash Wednesday is, as Pastor Daniel put it, the kick off of lent. It is a time to remember death, to understand and reflect on the fact that our bodies are failing, and that we can do nothing to stop it. It is a time to remember that even our Savior King Jesus died.

As we were leaving we passed two of our beloved friends; they were mourning this very real thing called death. It was at that moment that God pushed my heart to realize the gravity of why we had gathered. I finally understood, as I was watching my friend seek comfort in the words of her husband (who was only reflecting the love of God), that death has a very harsh sting.

In a few days lent will be among us, and a lot of us will be making some sort of sacrifice. We will be giving something up so that we may lean on God in order to grow closer to Him. We will experience, in our own jaded tainted way, what He felt having to sacrifice His son. We will be giving something up, all in light of knowing that our bodies will die.

So let us praise God for Easter Sunday! We can finally rejoice, knowing that our sacrifices and our longing to be closer to our Creator is not in vain. Even though our Savior died, and was put in the grave, on the third day the grave was empty. Our King arose with the keys and we as Christians will not have to taste the bitter taste of death. There is comfort in the love of God and claiming victory over the monster death.

I am very excited to say HE HAS RISEN INDEED!!!!!!

Isaiah Alexander Russell

I was overwhelmed with joy while spending some time in prayer this morning. As I prayed for Isaiah and his future as a growing boy, I started to think about him as a growing boy. That would make sense to do, right?

I had prayed for Isaiah to have a loving, forgiving heart. As well as a joyous soul that longs for Jesus. Tears about came to my eyes as I thought about my little 14 month old, who picks his nose and eats food off of the floor, as a person with deep thoughts, a conscience, and even a memory.

Corey and I often talk about "older Isaiah." Corey has visions of him being tough, athletic, and incredibly smart. I have thoughts of him being sensitive, artistic, and still incredibly smart. These are our selfish thoughts-and no we do not plan to "make" him this person, whatsoever. Our thoughts are never expectations, just thoughts.

However, when I think of Isaiah being Godly, bold, loving, kind, forgiving...(the list could go on), my heart fills with a different excitement. Proverbs 22:6 says: "Train your child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it." I know that doesn't necessarily mean Isaiah will not be a sinner, because he already is. And, if I don't live long enough to see Isaiah come to Christ, then I will die trusting in God. But in hopes that he will be a Godly, loving, kind, and forgiving man...I will seek to train and teach him the best I can.

My boy is already a beautiful little dude. He makes me smile every time he learns something new. He gives the best hugs in the Universe, and hearing him sing makes me cry. God has already taught me so much through this little soul. God has taught me more of who I need to be.

Winter Thoughts

This year has been a tad different than the past three years of Christmas spent together. Our first year of marriage we lived in our teeny apartment on St. Catherine Street. We were without child, I was working at Dr. Bizers, and we were busy bodies. Last year we had a two month old baby and were in a rough season of our lives, wondering where we were going to live once the money ran out, because there was none coming in. This year we have lived in the same house for nine months, have a steady income, and a 13 month old joyous toddler...with another blessing to be due in seven months.

Over the last nine months we have learned to do many new things. I have learned how to cook and bake from scratch, and Corey has learned to sew. Many people will be blessed by our new learnings with homemade Christmas gifts this year. Partly because we enjoy doing these things, and partly because of finances. However, we are quite excited about making things such as homemade coasters, place-mats, and skirts. As well as fudge, peanut butter cups, raspberry brittle, cookies, and cranberry popcorn.

This year we have the opportunity to verbally express to Isaiah what Christmas is. Last year I remember holding my sleeping baby and reading the story from Luke. This year we will probably read of Jesus' birth from The Jesus Storybook Bible, so he can vividly see wonderful pictures expressing this glorious day.

Corey wants to tell the story of our Saviors birth at our Christmas gatherings with family this year. Well he hasn't expressed that HE is going to tell it, but he says he wants it done-which will probably mean he will do it. It will be great to hear the truth of the Holiday proclaimed, because in America we don't usually view Jesus as highly as we do Santa.

We also had the opportunity to go caroling around Germantown on Monday. It was great to sing praises to our King to people who may not believe it. Some people came out of their homes into the freezing cold to hear us, others stood at their doors, some didn't come out at all. At one point we went to a bar and sung to the workers and customers. Two ladies came out of the door and sang with us. In a neighborhood like Germantown, where alcoholism is largely an issue, it was fulfilling to proclaim Jesus with people that fuel the substances of addiction, or are addicts themselves.

We are excited to start new traditions this year, and to spend time with family. I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas.

One thing to be thankful for.

I am sitting in the bedroom I share with my wonderful husband, with time on my hands while my joyful little boy takes a nap. Now that I am growing another human inside of me, I spend less time rushing around trying to get things done, and more time taking it easily and slowly...and hoping I don't fall into laziness. But as I sit here in silence I hear God teaching me and showing me what he has done for me over time. Which is great, because I actually prayed for that today.

I used to isolate myself from everyone. I never wanted company, and if I was around anyone it would be a close friend...that would force their way into my life. When I met my husband, we isolated ourselves from people, which was mainly my fault because he had tons of friends that he loved. I was so nervous, and shy around others. Living that way lasted from a young age, all the way up until two years ago.

I am so thankful for Godly community now. God has worked through his people to love me, rebuke me, help me financially, and take the time to pour into me. God has worked through me to do the same to newer believers. That is one minute (but incredibly important) thing that God has done in me. I am completely changed by Gods love...in so many other ways.