Journey through new Interests and Accidental Addictions

On a hot July morning I found myself angrily stomping up the stairs of our 100 year old house to pull my boys out of their mamaw's room. They always love sneaking up there to watch extra television and rummage through her junk food stockpile. As I picked up my plump one year old and began removing the energetic one with my words, I was drawn to the television myself. A man sat in a court room with orange hair, and the weirdest expressions on his face.

My mom told me that he was the man who killed many at the theater in Colorado: James Holmes.

I barley heard those words as I was taken back by his face. After being so sickened by the sadness portrayed in the scene, I gathered the boys and we headed downstairs.

I began straightening our always messy home, when I noticed my husband walked in the door. I began telling him that I thought James Holmes was demon-possessed or incredibly ill. He didn't know who James Holmes was. I explained that, then went on to tell him the rest. Then it hit me. Could this be a set up? Are there already arising conspiracy theories? They said he was on drugs...why? Then I began to Google, with little luck.

The ideas stirred inside of my mind-pot for days. I experienced many emotions. I envisioned the terror on the poor souls in the theater. I prayed for the victims and James constantly, knowing that if he did do this...he deserved forgiveness, just as I have been forgiven.

I found out information on the suposed murder though. Evidence that pointed to everything but a killer. However, as a sinner...I know people change. I have seen myself turn angry on my children so quickly...even with the Lord in my heart. Still, something didn't seem right.

On a Saturday...I decided to completely neglect my family (neglecting:not good) to do some YouTube searching. I found videos made by someone who was very much on top of the case. This man had found evidence that the media hadn't talked about. Things that pointed to more than one shooter. Crazy unexplainable evidence. I watched videos for a few hours, and this case began to be all I could think about.

From that point onward, months later, I still found that all I could think about was the James Holmes case. I felt sorrow for this possible innocent man, I felt anger toward whomever may have set him up. I felt confused and scared. I was beginning to get sick from my heavy consumption and crazy mind. I was distant from the Lord, and needed a break.

So I took a break. I evaluated why I cared. I prayed for hours, and wrote out reflections.

I came up with why I was in shock mode:

I'm known to make little g gods like any other human being. Normally those little g gods are surrounded around homemaking, mothering, being a wife, healthy food, music...whatever. Not this. Not the "news". I was so confused and baffled at why I was interested.

I realize that I care because I have a longing for justice in my heart. The Lord has planted it there. Now I know that whoever may be behind this case (as I still believe the story we are being told is not right), deserves forgiveness too. That even if we don't bring justice to this case, the Lord is in control, and I'm just a pawn. Satan is the ultimate enemy and he desires for total corruption. So I will not condemn the wrongdoers, I have no right to. Sin sickens me, so I don't want to give in to it. However, I believe that there is evidence in this case that needs to be looked into, and everyone deserves to see it.

I realized that I also care because I care about people. I do not worry about my future because I'm secure in the Lord regardless, but I know that the people of our government are sinful too. So corruption is possible, and existant.

After my break I realized that I could pursue this interest without making it a god with the Lord's help alone. I'm feeling healthier now. Only by God's grace. But I felt the need to share this journey with others. I'm still reading lots on this case...because I care. I care about those who are weak and cannot defend themselves.

I'm desiring to take action steps here. So people can know what is going on. I realize the media isn't giving too much time to this case anymore, and I think that makes us care less. Heck, I don't really know what else is going on in the news. God has laid this specific case on my heart. So I will be posting videos on facebook here and there, ones that I find to be incredibly valuable to the case. I want those of you who care to know, to know.

Please pray for me. Pray that I have wise discernment in this, and that I do not let it become a god. Pray that I divide my time well, and that the Lord would just continue to pursue me and I would rest in Him.

Journaled Thoughts Published After a Long Absence

I've let go of this blog a bit. The last post was of my youngest son's birth, which was over a year ago. Life stays so busy, and it's hard to find the time to blog my thoughts and experiences. But sometimes I feel the need to update, especially if there is a lot weighing on my heart.

These last few weeks have been difficult for me. It actually all started when I saw this character, James Holmes, in court. I was rounding up my children from my moms room, where they were (as usual if we don't intervene) glued to the television.

I looked at what was on as I scooped Titus up to carry downstairs. This man, with bright orange hair, and as pasty as a corpse, staring into nothing...expressionless, unless he was making a face that looked surprised. Something didn't feel right in my soul as I looked at this man. I have experience with being around mentally altered individuals. Many of which I interact with on a weekly basis. I also know when someone looks drugged, as my past is laced with some of those scenarios. Something wasn't right here.

And as my paranoid mind wandered, I began googling "James Holmes conspiracy theories". There weren't many at the time. There are a few now. After reading more and more, over the weekspan or so, I have learned that not much has really lined up. No one is probably paying attention to these things, mainly because we are all worried about a fast food chain and their beliefs. But there is a lot of fishy business going on with this case, and the situation in general.

I'm not going to talk about that much more, as you can draw your own conclusions, and I don't want to influence many on this matter. My conclusion is that our government is sinful, like all of humanity...and because of this, there is much corruption. Corruption we don't see, and corruption that will never be completely healed...until the Lord returns.

As I spent so much time wondering about this stuff...I questioned why God led me to these things. Why did I care? Why do I think this way, and another fully saved, Holy Spirited filled Christian, may not? The Lord makes us passionate about all kinds of different disputable matters...and we don't have to agree on all things.

The Lord has been good in showing me Himself in all of this study. I have come to realize how much I love Him. Our government is man. It can, will, and has failed us...because it is flawed. But God, Father God, will not kill me so he can have more power, so He can have more money. He loves me...He is not failing me. He offered me the only salvation that I can not achieve on my own. He is in control. I'm so encouraged in realizing that He is the only entity that will not fail me. He rules the world...and He lives in me.