My mom told me that he was the man who killed many at the theater in Colorado: James Holmes.
I barley heard those words as I was taken back by his face. After being so sickened by the sadness portrayed in the scene, I gathered the boys and we headed downstairs.
I began straightening our always messy home, when I noticed my husband walked in the door. I began telling him that I thought James Holmes was demon-possessed or incredibly ill. He didn't know who James Holmes was. I explained that, then went on to tell him the rest. Then it hit me. Could this be a set up? Are there already arising conspiracy theories? They said he was on drugs...why? Then I began to Google, with little luck.
The ideas stirred inside of my mind-pot for days. I experienced many emotions. I envisioned the terror on the poor souls in the theater. I prayed for the victims and James constantly, knowing that if he did do this...he deserved forgiveness, just as I have been forgiven.
I found out information on the suposed murder though. Evidence that pointed to everything but a killer. However, as a sinner...I know people change. I have seen myself turn angry on my children so quickly...even with the Lord in my heart. Still, something didn't seem right.
On a Saturday...I decided to completely neglect my family (neglecting:not good) to do some YouTube searching. I found videos made by someone who was very much on top of the case. This man had found evidence that the media hadn't talked about. Things that pointed to more than one shooter. Crazy unexplainable evidence. I watched videos for a few hours, and this case began to be all I could think about.
From that point onward, months later, I still found that all I could think about was the James Holmes case. I felt sorrow for this possible innocent man, I felt anger toward whomever may have set him up. I felt confused and scared. I was beginning to get sick from my heavy consumption and crazy mind. I was distant from the Lord, and needed a break.
So I took a break. I evaluated why I cared. I prayed for hours, and wrote out reflections.
I came up with why I was in shock mode:
I'm known to make little g gods like any other human being. Normally those little g gods are surrounded around homemaking, mothering, being a wife, healthy food, music...whatever. Not this. Not the "news". I was so confused and baffled at why I was interested.
I realize that I care because I have a longing for justice in my heart. The Lord has planted it there. Now I know that whoever may be behind this case (as I still believe the story we are being told is not right), deserves forgiveness too. That even if we don't bring justice to this case, the Lord is in control, and I'm just a pawn. Satan is the ultimate enemy and he desires for total corruption. So I will not condemn the wrongdoers, I have no right to. Sin sickens me, so I don't want to give in to it. However, I believe that there is evidence in this case that needs to be looked into, and everyone deserves to see it.
I realized that I also care because I care about people. I do not worry about my future because I'm secure in the Lord regardless, but I know that the people of our government are sinful too. So corruption is possible, and existant.
After my break I realized that I could pursue this interest without making it a god with the Lord's help alone. I'm feeling healthier now. Only by God's grace. But I felt the need to share this journey with others. I'm still reading lots on this case...because I care. I care about those who are weak and cannot defend themselves.
I'm desiring to take action steps here. So people can know what is going on. I realize the media isn't giving too much time to this case anymore, and I think that makes us care less. Heck, I don't really know what else is going on in the news. God has laid this specific case on my heart. So I will be posting videos on facebook here and there, ones that I find to be incredibly valuable to the case. I want those of you who care to know, to know.
Please pray for me. Pray that I have wise discernment in this, and that I do not let it become a god. Pray that I divide my time well, and that the Lord would just continue to pursue me and I would rest in Him.
