Winter

The day was cold. White Powder coated the ground, and the trees had bared the last of their leaves. Large shadows were casted beneath my feet, I took a few steps forward.

The frosty wind hit my cheeks as I felt my tears turn to ice crystals. Red liquid poured from my cracking lips as I attempted to apply more Burt's Bees.

My eyes were full as I peered out at the open space surrounding the only soul within miles. The insecurities I held within rushed through my mind like a thousand antelope being chased by a fierce lioness. My heart was broken.

Another gust of icy wind whisked past my body. I felt my tired legs give out, and my knees hit the top layer of the frozen lake. The solid substance formed a crack, as I attempted to raise my heavy head to the sky.

I heard a crackling sound echo through the air. I felt a vibration in my throat, leading me to believe it was my own voice sounding off. More tears poured down my face. As I struggled to wipe them the warm sun grazed my cheeks. The wind whispered a phrase all too familiar, reminding me of joy.

The whispering wind lifted my aching body from the ground, and my arms to the sky.

Busy September

Corey and I had a really amazing weekend, celebrating my birthday and our two year anniversary. On Saturday we dropped Isaiah off at my moms for the night. It was the first night we had gone without our handsome baby. The emotions were a little mixed.

We started the day off by having a picnic at the top of Iroquois Park. It was nice. The breeze was cool, it was foggy out. We ate pita and bagel sandwiches and looked out on to the city.

Corey's parents got us a hotel room at a place that had a water park. That was neat. We acted like 14 year olds and went down water slides. It made us miss Isaiah a lot, because there were a lot of kids there, but it was still fun. We enjoyed ourselves.

We ended the night by just relaxing, eating, and watching television. That is a luxury when you have no TV set, and normally have a little baby making a mess to clean up. It was nice not to have to clean up after myself, Corey, or Isaiah. It was also nice to get a full nights sleep. That hasn't happened in over a year. It felt weird not inching to the coffee pot like a salted slug, which happens daily any other morning .

We enjoyed our day together. Though having a baby makes those times feel oddly different. We woke up early and left two hours before check out just to go and pick him up.

Sunday was nice as well. My family got together to celebrate my birthday. It was nice to see all of my sisters. Two of them I had not talked to in a month or so. I miss my family, and we all live within a 30 mile distance from each other. There is talk of us doing a family day every Sunday here on out. I am looking forward to it.

Today is mine and Corey's actual anniversary. He is working, unfortunately. We shall celebrate when he arrives home!

I Remember

Corey and I are coming upon our two year anniversary as two people in covenant relationship with God. It has been an amazing road so far, full of many seasons in which God never deserted us. I often get nostalgic and look back on our life together.

Meeting my husband when I was fifteen is going to be a neat story to tell our kids when we get old. I remember going to North Bullitt Christian Church and being overwhelmed with new people after my baptism. Joining a youth group was equally overwhelming, but I ended up with a special friend who enjoyed talking to me on AOL instant messenger late at night. We instantly clicked and told each other about our "life stories," which both contained way more baggage than a normal teenager should be carrying around. But it was nice to know that I wasn't the only person in church that had "stuff."

I remember our first date at the Jefferson Mall on a February Wednesday. Corey was getting fitted for a tuxedo... for some prom show a friend of his jokingly put him in. I was so nervous riding in a car with a seventeen year old driving. I was never allowed to do that before. It was snowing outside, and I probably walked two feet behind him the entire time. I barely spoke a word.

I remember going back to my house and listening to Sublime, because I thought he would like that. Little did I know, that was uncool... so I put in an Emery C.D. instead. We began talking again, for hours... making us late for church that night.

I remember the first time he kissed me. He came over before going to a Wake The Day show and I had to go to the Circus with my mom. I was walking him out, and as we both turned away he said "hey" and I turned around and he kissed me. I remember walking backwards, with florid cheeks... and giggling as he watched me wave and trip all at the same time.

I remember the day before Valentines day, he came over and we rented movies. Crash and Hide and Seek... to be exact. We watched them in my bedroom, with the door open of course. I remember laughing during really serious scenes of movies... and Corey telling me, "Shh. This is serious time," with a smirk on his face.

I remember that night, he went home and got on the internet... and asked me to be his girlfriend by typing, "So you think I should change my relationship status on Myspace?"

I remember holding him as he cried about his dad, and him being there to watch my mom and I hash it out... almost daily. I remember him taking up for me.

I remember turning on classical music in his car stereo and dancing in the parking lot of Little Flock Baptist Church, late at night. We stared at the stars for hours.

I remember having a picnic at North Bullitt Christian Church. We ate food his mom made. Instant chicken rice, garlic bread, and sweet tea. As we were wrestling on the blanket... he asked me to marry him. I remember saying yes... and as we lied there it started to rain about a mile away... and the rain cloud passed right over us.

I remember walking down the aisle seeing the most handsome man stare back at me. I remember looking into his eyes as we were married in front of great people. It was amazing.

I remember our great trip to The Smokey Mountains. I remember spending hours in the mountains, seeing the beauty of God all around us.

I remember our plans to move to Joplin, Missouri. We had to live with his parents, because we thought we would move there in a few weeks. I remember plans falling through and moving to an apartment in Old Louisville three weeks later.

I remember cooking baked Zitti and Hamburger Helper weekly... because I didn't know how to cook anything else. I remember Corey loving every minute of it, but gaining 40 pounds.

I remember it seemed that problem after problem had happened when we lived in that apartment. Cars broke down, stuff got stolen, we were cheated out of money.

I remember God blessing us with people, to help us in those times of need.

I remember finding out we were pregnant, five months later... and being so excited to meet our little baby. I remember when Corey used to pick fights with Isaiah when he was in the womb. Isaiah would kick Corey's hand when he put it on my belly.

I remember deciding to move to Indiana, with our friends Mike and Alicia. I remember great conversations about God and theology.

I remember giving birth to our beautiful baby boy, and never feeling so complete in our lives. Watching him grow has certainly shown the Glory of God.

I remember Corey no longer having a job, and fearing being homeless.

I remember moving from Indiana back to Corey's parents. I remember fighting off Satan, and having a really hard time. I remember the stress and anger as we were living there. We were really poor, living off of someone else, dealing with mental illnesses.

I remember Corey getting a job at Baptist East three months later. I remember praising God, and going out to buy really good food.

I remember getting kicked out of Corey's parents, and moving in with our great friends Justie and Nathan for a couple of weeks. I remember us getting to know them better than ever before.

I remember moving into our house in Shelby Park, where we live now. Watching Isaiah grow, learning so many new things, and falling deeper and deeper in love with each other and Christ.

God is so good to us.

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar."

Psalm 42 really pulls some of my heart strings. When I meditate on the chapter I think a lot of my life before Christ. I think of the sadness, emptiness, and loneliness I had struggled through daily. Thinking of those past times bring a victory song from my lips, a victory song of praise to God for winning the battle against Satan. A battle in which something as serious as my soul was on the line. Praise God for saving me. Praise Jesus for dying in my place.

Last week however, I was reunited with the familiar pain of life without Jesus. Only this time I saw the pain in the eyes of an old friend. Someone who I was only a mere acquaintance of had passed away, by the appalling action of taking his own life.

At one point in my life I was close to the lady he had been dating. They were talking about marriage, and babies. However drugs were apparently pretty important to this guy, for he had chosen them over the people he left behind. Sadly...I remember hanging out with these people and not ever having really secure friendships because of things like drugs. Five years past that point, people are addicted to them and emotionally unstable because of their addiction.

It is always crazy when you hear about someone killing themselves... even when you don't know the person. When I heard about this, and about how badly his girlfriend was doing, I felt God wanting to show her the love of Jesus through me. I decided to write her a long letter.

When I left this group of people it was because I became a Christian, I was only 15 and still in high school. We never really talked once that happened, even though we often sat in the same classroom. I was young, and was all too afraid of peer pressure... I knew the life I was living beforehand was not of God. Not to mention that they thought I was pretty weird after my decision. There was no real "break up" point, or reconciliation. Just a lot of dropped relationships.

In the letter I wrote about my struggles with depression, thoughts of suicide, insecurity, and why I stopped hanging out with them. I wrote about my new hope, and my beautiful life in Christ. I described to her what real love tastes like, and how it is available to her. I told her about how we are constantly praying for her, and how people she has never even met pray for her.

I went to the funeral home, to give her the letter. I was scared out of my mind. I had not seen any of these people in two years, and had not talked to them in five. I was an outcast to them in high school. It was like the silly emotions of not fitting in (even if not fitting in was intentional) came back to haunt me. Like all the times you tell people you have become a Christian, and they think that you have become a "goody-good" or whatever they call it... these days. They were very selfish emotions. I forgot to consider the real reason I was there... to show the love of Jesus, not to make myself look good.

I went in and saw the girl. She was sitting in the corner... wearing sunglasses to hide how she was dying inside. I saw some old friends who talked to me, and loved on Isaiah. I gave the girl a big hug (I don't think I have ever done that) and she thanked me for coming. I gave her the letter and she put it in her purse.

When I looked past her sunglasses I saw the emptiness in her eyes; the loss of hope, the confusion... all of it. It was so sad. The feel of the room was something that I had felt before: empty. The presence of God was surely missing. Corey and I both silently prayed over the funeral home.

I left my number and email with the girl. I hope a seed was planted. I am praying one was.