Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar."

Psalm 42 really pulls some of my heart strings. When I meditate on the chapter I think a lot of my life before Christ. I think of the sadness, emptiness, and loneliness I had struggled through daily. Thinking of those past times bring a victory song from my lips, a victory song of praise to God for winning the battle against Satan. A battle in which something as serious as my soul was on the line. Praise God for saving me. Praise Jesus for dying in my place.

Last week however, I was reunited with the familiar pain of life without Jesus. Only this time I saw the pain in the eyes of an old friend. Someone who I was only a mere acquaintance of had passed away, by the appalling action of taking his own life.

At one point in my life I was close to the lady he had been dating. They were talking about marriage, and babies. However drugs were apparently pretty important to this guy, for he had chosen them over the people he left behind. Sadly...I remember hanging out with these people and not ever having really secure friendships because of things like drugs. Five years past that point, people are addicted to them and emotionally unstable because of their addiction.

It is always crazy when you hear about someone killing themselves... even when you don't know the person. When I heard about this, and about how badly his girlfriend was doing, I felt God wanting to show her the love of Jesus through me. I decided to write her a long letter.

When I left this group of people it was because I became a Christian, I was only 15 and still in high school. We never really talked once that happened, even though we often sat in the same classroom. I was young, and was all too afraid of peer pressure... I knew the life I was living beforehand was not of God. Not to mention that they thought I was pretty weird after my decision. There was no real "break up" point, or reconciliation. Just a lot of dropped relationships.

In the letter I wrote about my struggles with depression, thoughts of suicide, insecurity, and why I stopped hanging out with them. I wrote about my new hope, and my beautiful life in Christ. I described to her what real love tastes like, and how it is available to her. I told her about how we are constantly praying for her, and how people she has never even met pray for her.

I went to the funeral home, to give her the letter. I was scared out of my mind. I had not seen any of these people in two years, and had not talked to them in five. I was an outcast to them in high school. It was like the silly emotions of not fitting in (even if not fitting in was intentional) came back to haunt me. Like all the times you tell people you have become a Christian, and they think that you have become a "goody-good" or whatever they call it... these days. They were very selfish emotions. I forgot to consider the real reason I was there... to show the love of Jesus, not to make myself look good.

I went in and saw the girl. She was sitting in the corner... wearing sunglasses to hide how she was dying inside. I saw some old friends who talked to me, and loved on Isaiah. I gave the girl a big hug (I don't think I have ever done that) and she thanked me for coming. I gave her the letter and she put it in her purse.

When I looked past her sunglasses I saw the emptiness in her eyes; the loss of hope, the confusion... all of it. It was so sad. The feel of the room was something that I had felt before: empty. The presence of God was surely missing. Corey and I both silently prayed over the funeral home.

I left my number and email with the girl. I hope a seed was planted. I am praying one was.